Write to Life blog

The Marginalian: John Gardner on the Key to Self-Renewal Across Life and the Art of Making Rather Than Finding Meaning

Here’s the link to this article.

BY MARIA POPOVA

John Gardner on the Key to Self-Renewal Across Life and the Art of Making Rather Than Finding Meaning

A person is not a potted plant of predetermined personality but a garden abloom with the consequences of chance and choice that have made them who they are, resting upon an immense seed vault of dormant potentialities. At any given moment, any seed can sprout — whether by conscious cultivation or the tectonic tilling of some great upheaval or the composting of old habits and patterns of behavior that fertilize a new way of being. Nothing saves us from the tragedy of ossifying more surely than a devotion to regularly turning over the soil of personhood so that new expressions of the soul can come abloom.

In the final years of his long life, former U.S. Secretary of Heath, Education, and Welfare John Gardner (October 8, 1912–February 16, 2002) expanded upon his masterwork on self-renewal in the posthumously published Living, Leading, and the American Dream (public library), examining the deepest questions and commitments of how we become — and go on becoming — ourselves as our lives unfold, transient and tender with longing for meaning.

Butterfly metamorphosis by Philip Henry Gosse from Entomologia terrae novae, 1833. (Available as a print and as stationery cards.)

With an eye to the mystery of why some people and not others manage to live with vitality until the end, and to the fact that life metes out its cruelties and its mercies with an uneven hand, Gardner writes:

One must be compassionate in assessing the reasons. Perhaps life just presented them with tougher problems than they could solve. It happens. Perhaps they were pulled down by the hidden resentments and grievances that grow in adult life, sometimes so luxuriantly that, like tangled vines, they immobilize the victim. Perhaps something inflicted a major wound on their confidence or their self-esteem. You’ve known such people — feeling secretly defeated, maybe somewhat sour and cynical, or perhaps just vaguely dispirited. Or perhaps they grew so comfortable that adventures no longer beckoned.

Recognizing that the challenges we face are both personal and structural, that we are products of our conditions and conditioning but also entirely responsible for ourselves, he adds:

We build our own prisons and serve as our own jailkeepers… but clearly our parents and the society at large have a hand in building our prisons. They create roles for us — and self-images — that hold us captive for a long time. The individual intent on self-renewal will have to deal with ghosts of the past — the memory of earlier failures, the remnants of childhood dramas and rebellions, the accumulated grievances and resentments that have long outlived their cause. Sometimes people cling to the ghosts with something almost approaching pleasure — but the hampering effect on growth is inescapable.

Art by Giuliano Cucco from Before I Grew Up by John Miller

Of the lessons we learn along the vector of living — things difficult to grasp early in life — he considers the hardest yet most liberating:

You come to understand that most people are neither for you nor against you, they are thinking about themselves. You learn that no matter how hard you try to please, some people in this world are not going to love you, a lesson that is at first troubling and then really quite relaxing.

But no learning is harder, or more countercultural amid this cult of achievement and actualization we live in, than the realization that there is no final and permanent triumph to life. A generation after the poet Robert Penn Warren admonished against the notion of finding yourself and a generation before the psychologist Daniel Gilbert observed that “human beings are works in progress that mistakenly think they’re finished,” Gardner writes:

Life is an endless unfolding, and if we wish it to be, an endless process of self-discovery, an endless and unpredictable dialogue between our own potentialities and the life situations in which we find ourselves. The purpose is to grow and develop in the dimensions that distinguish humankind at its best.

In a sentiment that mirrors the driving principle of nature itself, responsible for the evolution and survival of every living thing on Earth, he considers the key to that growth:

The potentialities you develop to the full come as the result of an interplay between you and life’s challenges — and the challenges keep coming, and they keep changing. Emergencies sometimes lead people to perform remarkable and heroic tasks that they wouldn’t have guessed they were capable of. Life pulls things out of you. At least occasionally, expose yourself to unaccustomed challenges.

The supreme reward of putting yourself in novel situations that draw out dormant potentialities is the exhilaration of feeling new to yourself, which transforms life from something tending toward an end into something cascading forward in a succession of beginnings — for, as the poet and philosopher John O’Donohue observed in his magnificent spell against stagnation, “our very life here depends directly on continuous acts of beginning.” This in turn transforms the notion of meaning — life’s ultimate aim — from a product to be acquired into a process to be honored.

One of Antoine de Saint-Exupéry’s original watercolors for The Little Prince

Gardner recounts hearing from a man whose twenty-year-old daughter was killed in a car crash. In her wallet, the grief-stricken father had discovered a printed passage from a commencement address Gardner had delivered shortly before her death — a fragment evocative of Nietzsche’s insistence that “no one can build you the bridge on which you, and only you, must cross the river of life.” It read:

Meaning is not something you stumble across, like the answer to a riddle or the prize in a treasure hunt. Meaning is something you build into your life. You build it out of your own past, out of your affections and loyalties, out of the experience of humankind as it is passed on to you, out of your own talent and understanding, out of the things you believe in, out of the things and people you love, out of the values for which you are willing to sacrifice something. The ingredients are there. You are the only one who can put them together into that unique pattern that will be your life.

Complement with the pioneering education reformer and publisher Elizabeth Peabody on middle age and the art of self-renewal, the great nonagenarian cellist Pablo Casals on the secret to creative vitality throughout life, and this Jungian field guide to transformation in midlife, then revisit Nick Cave on blooming into the fulness of your potentialities and Simone de Beauvoir on the art of growing older.

Novel Excerpts–The Boaz Schoolteacher, Chapter 9

The primary aim of the "Novel Excerpts" blog category is to showcase my creative writing, specifically from the novels I've written. Hopefully, these posts will provide a glimpse into my storytelling style, themes, and narrative skills. It's an opportunity to share my artistic expressions and the worlds I've created through my novels.
The Boaz Schoolteacher, written in 2018, is my fifth novel. I'll post a chapter a day over the next few weeks.

Book Blurb

In the summer of 2017, Katie Sims and her daughter Cullie, moved from New York City to Katie’s hometown of Boaz, Alabama for her to teach English and for Cullie to attend Boaz High School .  Fifteen years earlier, during the Christmas holidays, five men from prominent local families sexually assaulted Katie.  Nine months later, Katie’s only daughter was born.

Almost from the beginning of the new school year, as Katie and fellow-teacher Cindy Barker shared English, Literature, and Creative Writing duties for more than 300 students, they became lifelong friends.  

For weeks, Katie and Cindy endured the almost constant sexual harassment at the hands of the assistant principal.  In mid-October, after Cindy suffered an attack similar to Katie’s from fifteen years earlier, the two teachers designed a unique method to teach the six predators a lesson they would never forget.  Katie and Cindy dubbed their plan, Six Red Apples.

Read this mystery-thriller to experience the dilemma the two teachers created for themselves, and to learn the true meaning of real justice.  And, eternal friendship. 

Chapter 9

Yesterday afternoon after Cullie and I arrived home from school, we sat with Nanny and Sammie in the den.  I was contemplating exactly how to break the horrible news to my 89-year-old grandmother when Sammie said, “she already knows.  That damn police scanner that I thought I had hidden from her.  She must have dug it out while Verna was here.  Early afternoon Nanny had said, ‘no need to go get Darla, she’s dead.’  The scanner was tucked under a blanket beside her chair.  She must’ve had the volume turned down when I wasn’t doing chores.”

In a way this had not surprised or alarmed me.  Two weeks ago, when I had tagged along with Sammie and Nanny to see her doctor, he had said that at times she would seem normal, but this would become less and less frequent.  Usually, she would be a mix of bizarre and mundane.  If Nanny’s conduct last night was normal she sure didn’t seem to possess much love and sympathy for Darla, her only daughter.  If her conduct was bizarre her statement to Sammie about no need to go get Darla fit the bill.  The only thing that seemed like the mix the doctor mentioned was Nanny’s statement, “turn on The Walton’s, I want to see if Ike Godsey kills Mary Ellen, my darling Darla.”  Mundanely bizarre indeed.

After the four of us ate Sammie’s delicious chicken salad on TV trays in the den I excused myself and went to my room.  Cullie disappeared to the front porch to listen to her iPod and text Alysa.  Ryan Radford’s wife Karla answered on the second ring.  I was a little surprised their home phone number was listed in the phone book.  He didn’t seem to be the type who would give his customers at Radford Hardware and Building Supply easy access to him, especially after business hours.  I had told Karla who I was and asked to speak to Ryan.  I could hear him in the background.  The two of them talking.  I thought I heard him say, “tell her I’m busy.”  After a minute or more, he said, “hello, this is Ryan.”

“Ryan, this is Katie Sims, Darla’s daughter.”

“Katie, I know who you are.  I’m sorry about your mother.  I just got back from telling granddad the horrible news.  I’m hoping the District Attorney will finally grant him a bond, at least to come to the funeral.”

Raymond Radford was one of five local men who were facing criminal charges.  Everything from sex trafficking to murder.  The news had shocked the community since these were the deep-rooted leaders that seemed to control every aspect of religious and business life around Boaz.  I couldn’t help but recall the other time Raymond Radford had shocked local folks.  In 1973, he had ditched Cynthia, his wife of twenty years, and token-up with Darla, my mother.  She was still a teenager, the same age as Randall, Raymond’s son.  I suspected that in many places these type events would have ruined a man like Raymond, but not in Boaz.  It was like he, along with the other four fathers of the Flaming Five, and their sons, was immune to citizen criticism.  We’d have to see how the criminal justice system dealt with Raymond and his four peers.

“I need inside the house, to see if Darla left anything that would indicate how sick she was.  Can you let me in?”  I didn’t figure Ryan would agree but I had to ask.  At first, before I had called, I thought about going straight over and trying to break in.  A criminal charge was the last thing I needed.  As I sat and waited for Ryan to respond I was torn whether to go to the sprawling mansion at the end of Lindo Drive in the Country Club subdivision.  I hadn’t been except for one time, and then only inside the front foyer.  For some reason, Darla hadn’t wanted me to see how comfortable a life she had.  I guess she had known how it would make me feel, especially given how she had rejected me and chosen Raymond and his riches over her duty as a mother.

“I will meet you there in twenty minutes.  I have to be somewhere at 8:30.”

I had arrived at 7:20 and was relieved that Ryan let me in the front door and left.  He said he would be back in thirty minutes.  I spent ten minutes touring the entire house, in awe over the expensive antiques and art work.  I wasn’t an expert but several of the paintings on the wall appeared to be original.  The master bedroom was on the first floor beyond a short hallway and a large study.  I first searched the bathroom for pill bottles hoping to discover the medications Darla was taking.

The only prescription bottle I found was a drug called Clonidine.  This didn’t tell me anything, but I found a document, Your Personal Prescription Information, on an oak washstand beside the double vanity in the giant bathroom.  Scanning the document, I learned Clonidine ‘allows your blood vessels to relax and your heart to beat more slowly and easily’ and ‘clonidine is used to treat hypertension (high blood pressure).’  Here, I stopped reading knowing I didn’t have unlimited time to linger.  The only other drugs in the medicine cabinet were bottles of Aleve, Tylenol, and Aspirin.

I walked out of the bathroom and towards a sliding glass door that opened to a private balcony even though this was the first floor.  On a little wicker table in the corner I found a brochure that was titled Syncope.  A quick peek inside told me this was a condition that caused a temporary loss of consciousness.  I concluded that was why Darla had been prescribed the Clonidine.

When I walked back inside I noticed a pull-type suitcase in the corner behind a lounging chair.  On the end table beside the chair were two TV Guides, a novel by Andrea Preston, and a stack of newspapers, the top one being the New York Times.  I had not known Darla was much of a reader.

It was now almost 7:45 and Ryan would likely return within a few minutes.  I’m not sure what prompted me to do it, but I rolled the large suitcase outside and hid it in the trunk of my car.  I didn’t want Ryan to know I had taken anything.  He arrived less than a minute later.  I was standing on the front porch reading more about Clonidine.

“Did you find what you were looking for?”  He said as he was locking the deadbolt on the front door.

“I did.  Looks like Darla suffered from a condition that caused her to pass out.  I found this bottle.  I’m guessing she got disoriented and wandered over to Ralph Williams’ pond.  Probably then she passed out and never regained consciousness.”  I held up the pill bottle for Ryan to see what I had taken.

“I have to go.  Let me know if you need anything else.  Oh, I hate that I have not said this before.  I’m sorry for your loss.  Darla was a sweet lady and was always good to me.  By the way, don’t worry, I’ll make sure all her funeral costs will be taken care of.”

With that, Ryan had driven away leaving me standing at the bottom of the front porch stairs.  His final statement made me ponder Darla’s will and what type of financial relationship she and Raymond had.  Surely, he would have loved her enough to make sure she was taken care of if he had predeceased Darla.  But, that hadn’t happened.

As I had driven home my stomach had grown more and more nauseous.  What would happen to Nanny?  Would Sammie’s caregiver costs continue to be paid?  My mind had changed when I turned in Nanny’s long driveway and saw Cullie still sitting on the front porch.  No matter what, my primary goal in life wouldn’t change.  I would do whatever it took to take care of my precious daughter.  Although I would do everything I could for Nanny, she would never displace the time and attention I would give the child whose presence continually showed me that good can come from evil.

At 10:30, Cullie and I had gone inside after having spent the prior two-plus hours talking, really talking.  It was the best mother-daughter conversation we had had since moving back to Boaz.  I went to bed early, wanting my dreams to center around Cullie’s openness to share her concerns and the roller-coaster that most every ninth-grade girl finds herself buckled to.  I forgot all about the suitcase stuffed inside the trunk of my car.

The God Illusion: Richard Dawkins Talks to an Ex-Atheist Christian Theologian

Welcome to **The God Illusion**, a thought-provoking blog series that explores the arguments against the existence of God and the claims of Christianity. This category is born from my personal journey—nearly 60 years as a devout Southern Baptist—before embarking on a path of questioning and critical thinking that led me to abandon my faith. Through these posts, I aim to share articles, YouTube videos, book summaries, and other resources that critically examine the evidence for the Christian God and other supernatural beings.

Novel Excerpts–The Boaz Schoolteacher, Chapter 8

The primary aim of the "Novel Excerpts" blog category is to showcase my creative writing, specifically from the novels I've written. Hopefully, these posts will provide a glimpse into my storytelling style, themes, and narrative skills. It's an opportunity to share my artistic expressions and the worlds I've created through my novels.
The Boaz Schoolteacher, written in 2018, is my fifth novel. I'll post a chapter a day over the next few weeks.

Book Blurb

In the summer of 2017, Katie Sims and her daughter Cullie, moved from New York City to Katie’s hometown of Boaz, Alabama for her to teach English and for Cullie to attend Boaz High School .  Fifteen years earlier, during the Christmas holidays, five men from prominent local families sexually assaulted Katie.  Nine months later, Katie’s only daughter was born.

Almost from the beginning of the new school year, as Katie and fellow-teacher Cindy Barker shared English, Literature, and Creative Writing duties for more than 300 students, they became lifelong friends.  

For weeks, Katie and Cindy endured the almost constant sexual harassment at the hands of the assistant principal.  In mid-October, after Cindy suffered an attack similar to Katie’s from fifteen years earlier, the two teachers designed a unique method to teach the six predators a lesson they would never forget.  Katie and Cindy dubbed their plan, Six Red Apples.

Read this mystery-thriller to experience the dilemma the two teachers created for themselves, and to learn the true meaning of real justice.  And, eternal friendship. 

Chapter 8

Tuesday morning, I had just come from the basement when I overheard Sammie talking on the kitchen phone, “she’s downstairs writing but I’ll get her.”

“I’m right here.”  Sammie turned from the stove and a large pan of sizzling bacon.

“It’s Darla.  Wants to talk to you.”

I set my notebook on the kitchen table and took the old green wall receiver from Sammie.  “Hello Darla.”

“Katie, come get me.  I can’t stay here another day.”

“Now?  I have to be at school in forty-five minutes.”  I said, sitting down to a plate of eggs, bacon, and waffles.

“Ryan is here again, going through his father’s things.  He’s in Raymond’s study.  Justin Adams is with him.”  Darla said, barely above a whisper.

“Dumb question.  Why don’t you drive yourself?  You have a car.”  I said, feeling a headache coming on, the type I hadn’t felt since touching Warren’s hand when I palmed him my little two-word note last Sunday.

“I don’t have a car.  Ryan took it somewhere a week ago.”

“Why did he do that?”

“Doctor’s orders.  I was going to tell you, but you haven’t been by here.   Saturday, a week ago Saturday, I passed out at Walmart.  I was there with Nella.  An ambulance came and carried me to the Emergency Room.  The doctor still doesn’t know why I fainted.”

“I’ll send Sammie and we’ll talk about it tonight.  I can’t afford to start being late.  I have to work, you know.”  I said, knowing what Darla was probably thinking. ‘You’ve never forgiven me for having it so easy.’

“Tell her to hurry.  I’ve never seen Ryan so upset.”

Cullie and I arrived at school at our regular 6:30 time.  At 7:35, as the last of the tenth graders were slogging in for my first period class, Mr. Wilkins shouted at me as he walked in the double doors at the back of the auditorium, “Katie, Miss Sims, you have a phone call.  It sounds urgent.”

I walked as fast as I could to the back of the auditorium and across the hall to the School’s main office.  Mrs. Overstreet, the office manager, motioned me behind the counter and pointed to her office.  “You can take it in there.  Press the flashing button.”

“Hello.”  I expected it to be an impatient Darla saying that Sammie still hadn’t shown up.  I knew Sammie would have to find a temporary sitter for Nanny.  There was no way the caretaker would leave her ward unattended, even for the short time it would take to drive across town to Country Club.

“Katie, I can’t find her anywhere.  I’m worried.”

“What do you mean?  She’s at her house at the end of Lindo Drive.”

“When I got there, I rang the front door bell.  Ryan came to the door.  When I told him, I was there for Darla he said, ‘she went walking.’  I didn’t want to wait.  That big beast gives me the creeps, so I got back in my car and started driving around.”

“What time did you get there and talk to Ryan?”  I said trying to determine why Darla would go for a walk when she knew Sammie was coming to pick her up.  She wasn’t that impatient.

“It was nearly 7:00.  It took Verna almost an hour to show up to sit with Nanny.”

“You drove around the entire subdivision?”  I asked a frantic Sammie.

“I did, twice.  Then, I went back to Darla and Raymond’s, but Ryan was already gone.  I guess, because no one would come to the door even though I rang the bell several times and kept pounding the front door.”

“Just go back home to Nanny.  Darla probably saw a neighbor and is there now visiting and drinking coffee.”  After I said this I realized how illogical it was.  Why would Darla, before 6:00 a.m. this morning, be anxious to leave her and Raymond’s house and then up and go out walking after I told her I would send Sammie to pick her up?  Even if she did that she wouldn’t become invisible by going inside a neighbor’s house.  She’d just walk the neighborhood to be easily seen.  Unless, Darla was like Nanny.  Maybe Darla had dementia.

“I do need to get back.  Verna has to sit with Basil Epps’ wife starting at 9:00.”  Sammie said, the tone of her voice returning to its natural low calmness.

“Call my cell phone and leave a message when you hear from Darla.”  I said, remembering I had seventy-five rowdy teenagers unattended in the auditorium.

By lunch I was feeling much better than yesterday.  I had delivered my little speech to my first three classes.  I had decided around midnight last night that I was going to be brave and bold and lay it all on the line.  I was not going to allow the rampant apathy to dominate ninety-plus percent of my students.  “Right now, every one of you have an F in my class, and that’s where your grade level will stay unless you give me your best efforts.  Don’t think I won’t fail you.”  That was the stick I used.  Something in me said it wouldn’t do much good.  But I had not ended my speech there.  My carrot-talk followed.  After I had every student stand.  I separated them by gender.  I had the boys stand along the front of the stage but down on the auditorium floor level.  The girls stood single file down the right-side aisle.  “Listen and listen good.  Every one of you is damned right now.”  I had stopped there and let silence and snickering bounce around the room.  “That’s what you are, that’s what I am.  All of Flannery O’Connor’s readers are damned, just like the characters in her stories.  If we, as readers, will acknowledge this we can go on to relish her grotesque and unforgettable art of telling.  The gist of that last sentence is taken from my favorite literary critic, Harold Bloom.  I encourage you to seek him out.”

“In our story, A Good Man is Hard to Find, the grandmother’s mouth had gotten her killed.  I want us to go on a journey, one filled with adventure.  Literature can change your life for the good.  The stories we will read offer gold nuggets.”  For Ben Gilbert’s tenth grade class I had said, “If you prefer, these gold nuggets are mouth size pieces of filet mignon.”  I had ended each of my three speeches with the trite but true statement, “food never tastes good unless you are hungry.”

There were two other things I had done after each of my three speeches.  I told them they were going to have homework every night and that unless they invested quality time and attention into the completion of their assignments their final semester grade would never even be a D.  “You will never learn to think without thinking, this takes time and attention.  You have to invest to earn a decent return.”  Also, I had described my teaching assistant positions, and assured everyone they would all help teach the class.  I gave them a handout stating who were the initial thirty-seven teaching assistants and who were the students.  These initial pairings would also serve as co-authors for the semester’s major writing assignment.

I gave the same talk and made the same assignments during the two afternoon classes, AP American Literature and Creative Writing.  At 2:45, after the last student left my classroom, Cullie arrived and was hungry as a bear, as usual.  She had just grabbed a Sprite from my refrigerator and pulled a bag of chips from my desk drawer when Mr. Wilkins came rushing into my room.  “Katie, the police are here to see you.  They are waiting in the main office.”

I instructed Cullie to stay put as I followed Patrick down the long hallway.  He opened the outer door for me and said the two officers were in his office.  He directed me around the counter and closed the door behind me as I walked into his large office with two tall and beefy young officers standing with their backs to the outside window.

“Miss Sims, I’m Officer Dixon and this is Officer Brown.  I’m sorry to tell you that your mother, Darla Radford, has been found.  She’s dead.”  He just stood there looking at me for a few seconds and then lowered his eyes.  Officer Brown never said a word.

“What happened?  Where did you find her?”  I said, not surprised that I wasn’t collapsing into a ball of tears.  But I was troubled, even feeling guilty for not going to pick up Darla as she had asked me to this morning a little before 6:00.

“She was found at the edge of a pond off Pleasant Hill Cut-off Road.  That’s about a half-mile from where her and Raymond lived.  Right now, we are not exactly sure how she died.”  Officer Dixon said turning a chair around for me to sit down.

“She had walked there?”

“We can’t say for sure.  All we know is Ralph Williams found her.  That’s his land.  There was no car found and Mr. Williams said he didn’t see anything.”

“Where is she?  Now?”  I said not sure if she might be at the hospital just to make sure she was dead.  My mind was retreating to a safe zone.

“Her body has been taken to Birmingham to the State Forensics Lab.  It’s state law when this type thing happens.  Autopsy required.”

“How did she look?  Was she bleeding?  Had she been hit?  By a car or something?”  I said, frantic to know anything.

For the first time, Officer Brown spoke.  “There was no visible sign she had been traumatized.  To be frank, she looked like she had simply gone to sleep.  I was the first on the scene.  Officer Dixon didn’t see her.”

I could have asked a dozen other questions but decided against it.  “Thank you for coming and telling me.  I need to see Cullie, my daughter, she’s in my classroom.”

“I understand.  Here is my card if you have any other questions.  I am very sorry for your loss.”  Officer Dixon said as he walked by.  Officer Brown tipped his hat at me and mouthed, ‘I’m sorry.’

When I came out of Wilkin’s office, he could tell something was wrong.  I didn’t stop to explain but kept going.  Halfway down the hall he caught up with me and took my arm as though I was going to faint.  He led me all the way back to the door of my classroom and said, “Katie, if there is anything I can do please call me.  Anytime is okay.”  He handed me the School’s standard business card with his name and cell phone number written on the back.  As he was giving me his card and offering his sympathy and support he had moved his left hand up on my shoulder.  It had lingered too long, just long enough to give me that same eerie feeling I had yesterday when he was standing behind me at my desk and peering down my blouse.

When I walked into my classroom I could hear Cullie crying.  Cindy came out when she heard me come in.  Someway, someone had already shared the news.  I shouldn’t have been, but was once again, surprised at how rapidly news traveled in a small town.  Cullie was unsurprisingly strong.  She wasn’t close to Darla even though to me it had always seemed she had cared more for her only granddaughter than she ever had me.

We left school and drove home, discussing nothing but how to share the bad news with Nanny.

Novel Excerpts–The Boaz Schoolteacher, Chapter 7

The primary aim of the "Novel Excerpts" blog category is to showcase my creative writing, specifically from the novels I've written. Hopefully, these posts will provide a glimpse into my storytelling style, themes, and narrative skills. It's an opportunity to share my artistic expressions and the worlds I've created through my novels.
The Boaz Schoolteacher, written in 2018, is my fifth novel. I'll post a chapter a day over the next few weeks.

Book Blurb

In the summer of 2017, Katie Sims and her daughter Cullie, moved from New York City to Katie’s hometown of Boaz, Alabama for her to teach English and for Cullie to attend Boaz High School .  Fifteen years earlier, during the Christmas holidays, five men from prominent local families sexually assaulted Katie.  Nine months later, Katie’s only daughter was born.

Almost from the beginning of the new school year, as Katie and fellow-teacher Cindy Barker shared English, Literature, and Creative Writing duties for more than 300 students, they became lifelong friends.  

For weeks, Katie and Cindy endured the almost constant sexual harassment at the hands of the assistant principal.  In mid-October, after Cindy suffered an attack similar to Katie’s from fifteen years earlier, the two teachers designed a unique method to teach the six predators a lesson they would never forget.  Katie and Cindy dubbed their plan, Six Red Apples.

Read this mystery-thriller to experience the dilemma the two teachers created for themselves, and to learn the true meaning of real justice.  And, eternal friendship. 

Chapter 7

Out of the Darkness was started as a psychological thriller.  It was about a woman who had been gang-raped and how she had coped mentally and emotionally.  Now, fourteen years after my award-winning novel was published, it would seem natural to think my book idea had been seeded by my own traumatic experience.  That would be wrong, since the five men who raped me had done so during my 2002 Christmas visit to Boaz, eight months after Out of the Darkness hit the shelves in bookstores across America.  If I believed in karma or some other-worldly notion, I could easily conclude my writing had somehow caused or at least anticipated the worst thing I had ever endured.  But, knowing there was little if any credible evidence for the supernatural of any stripe, did little to ward off bouts of writer’s block.  The move back to the heart of the crime scene had thrown my writing mind completely off track.  Now, after nearly three weeks living in Boaz, I have been unable to write a single scene in my current project I was subconsciously dubbing Real Justice.  It is a fact; I was stuck.  I had, as writers often say, hit the wall. 

I had never, well, not since college, gone this long without writing at least a thousand words a day.  This daily accomplishment was so ingrained in me that it was as fixed as the color of my hair, although I had been noticing a little gray emerging above my right temple when I pulled back my hair.  Other than the wellbeing of Cullie, my entire life, my mood, my teaching motivation, my self-worth, everything about me, was controlled by whether I daily produced those thousand words as part of a current project. 

This morning I was as lost and unmotivated as I had been in more than 14 years.  Not since the Faking Five had shown less respect for me as a human being than they would have for a silicone sex doll, had my mind and heart wandered so far out into the dessert.  I knew myself well enough to know that my teaching and my parenting would once again fail, just as it had during the months after I was raped and had given birth to Cullie.  I could not let that happen again.  I had to avoid the drugs and the alcohol.  Just like the Walton drug for Nanny, the writing drug for me was the only thing that would keep me from falling into the abyss far below the precarious track of my life.

Maybe it was the prayer I had said this morning when I arose.  Yesterday’s prayer I had promised to believe and pursue.  Maybe my simple request to God that He would guide me today was the seed that had given me those three words.  The Faking Five.  Less than two minutes ago I had never put these thirteen letters together, in that order, in my mind.  I sipped my coffee and smiled to myself.  This was what I was talking about.  Or, was it?  Thirteen letters?  Why not twelve or fourteen?  I had never been superstitious.  I wouldn’t start now.  These thirteen letters, such a simple idea.  It could be the door that opened a whole new world.  I hadn’t had to spend $1,000 on a cruise, or even $25.00 on a new novel.  What was occurring to me was priceless.  The fathers of Warren Tillman, Justin Adams, Ryan Radford, Fulton Billingsley, and Danny Ericson had been known since the early seventies as the Flaming Five.  This name had spawned from their ability to set the basketball nets on fire.  The entire Boaz community had adopted the name.  Their sons, my attackers, had now spawned their own name, not by ten thousand or more people but by one.  Me.  The one who knew the truth.  These five, Warren, Justin, Ryan, Fulton, and Danny, were individually and collectively living fake lives.  The people of Boaz thought they were community leaders, devoted husbands and parents, gentlemen, servants of Christ.  In truth, they were the Faking Five. 

By 6:00 a.m., I returned the half-finished first draft into the middle drawer of the old roll-top desk in the corner of the basement, having spent all my time brainstorming instead of writing.  At least, I had controlled my emotions and allowed imagination to intelligently revisit my horrible trauma and consider what a hypothetical person in my shoes might do to get revenge.  And, justice.  The novel’s name would likely change but for now I liked Real Justice.  Of course, a novel is fiction, made up, but it is quite okay to base the story on real events, what has already happened.  As any novel writer would, the names of all my characters would change.  I had already decided the setting would be a small town in Georgia and that my protagonist would not be a teacher, but a secretary at a law firm.  One thing would be the same.  The secretary, Stella was her name, would be raped by five men in the legal community.  Maybe one would be a judge.  I didn’t need to know that yet.  I already knew how Stella would think and how her mind wanted revenge but what I didn’t know was what she would do.  I would have to get to know her much better and spend days observing her.  I had no doubt that once I started, daily, following Stella around, she would reveal her story and how she would exact real justice. 

I had somehow crawled back onto my track.  As I straightened my desk, I felt whole, alive, driven.  Words and stories were my lifeline, the real blood coursing through my veins.  Now, I had to share this gift with a couple of hundred hormone-driven teenagers.

Cullie and I arrived at school at 6:30 a.m.  She wasn’t happy and had almost decided to ride the school bus until she learned it came past Nanny’s country home at 6:15. The real source of her foul mood was the near-screaming incident that had occurred when she came down the stairs.  I had forgotten to look at her Saturday’s clothes purchases.  The tight jeans and the even tighter blouse was bad enough, but it was the revelation of a blossoming bosom that ignited the fireworks.  She had not said a word as I had driven us to school.  My attempt at humor, “loose-fitting clothes keeps them wondering.  A mysterious woman is more attractive than a billboard,” had failed miserably as she sat peering into her cell phone without a smile or a jeer.  To me, there would be no ninth grader at Boaz High that was more attractive than Cullie with her high-waisted, knee-length denim shorts, flowing white top, boots, and a feather necklace.  My darling daughter was gorgeous.

For the next hour Cullie sat at a computer workstation I had set up in the corner of my room.  As I had done for my entire twenty-year teaching career I quickly read through today’s lesson plans and closed my eyes.  I had developed a practice of visualizing each class and imagining the interaction with each student.  It was during the next hour that I would refine the one main goal I had for each class.  There were always secondary goals, but I had learned a long time ago that if I could effectively accomplish one goal, teach one important idea or principle, then my work was successful.

But, this wasn’t going to be as easy as it had been at Eleanor Roosevelt High School.  There, for the past six years, I had taught two subjects, American Literature and Creative Writing.  There, I had only two classes per day.  The New York City School Board’s philosophy was more akin to that of a university.  Specialization.  Each teacher had a specialty.  The Board believed the best teachers were the ones who prepared the most.  The four plus hours per day that I wasn’t in the classroom, I was in the lab.  That’s what they called it.  It was simply my time alone to research, write, relate, and record.  Also, what they called it.  The Board knew that writing was the key to thinking and that if a teacher, no matter her subject, didn’t put words on paper, words exploring her lessons, that the class, and thus each individual student, would likely be deprived from core and vital truths.

Here, at Boaz, Cindy and I shared the load of teaching Language Arts, including English and American Literature, Vocabulary, Spelling, and Composition of all types, to every tenth, eleventh, and twelfth grader.  Over 300 students.  I envied Rhonda Hudgins and Jennifer Kirkpatrick who shared the same responsibilities as Cindy and I but they only had 148 ninth graders.  The fear of failing to properly teach and reach my 150 or so students was lessened only because I had convinced Mr. Harrison during my initial interview that a narrow focus was the key.  He had agreed, at least temporarily, to allow me to use one carefully selected story at a time to serve as the basis for teaching all aspects of the Language Arts curriculum.  For example, this week the focus was A Good Man Is Hard to Find, a short story written by Flannery O’Connor in 1953.

Cullie left my classroom at 7:25, in time for me to gather my things and walk to the auditorium.  The brilliant Mr. Harrison and Mr. Wilkins had decided to try something new this year.  I would teach the basic English class to one full grade at a time.  This meant my first three classes were taught in the auditorium to seventy-five plus students each period.  Normally in Alabama, English is not required for twelfth graders. The Boaz City School Board’s new superintendent, Mr. Krieger, from Chicago, had made the change this past summer.  “It may not be the only way, but it is one way I believe we can begin to counter the ignorance of North Alabamians.”  I hadn’t yet met the man but knew he shouldn’t completely unpack his bags.

After 10:30, I would still have two more classes to teach: AP (advance placement) American Literature from 12:00 to 12:50, and creative writing from 1:10 to 2:40.  This ninety-minute class was the other concession that Harrison and Wilkins had granted.  I must thank Mr. Krieger for this.  Otherwise, my plea for extra time to do justice to creative writing would have fallen upon deaf ears.  Alabama had a terrible reputation when it came to its focus on the importance of writing.  I intended to do what I could to change that.  I was glad Cindy had full responsibility for teaching poetry.  She agreed to this only because I had agreed to increase the size of my first three classes.

I had started the first class on the stage behind the giant podium.  I quickly determined this wasn’t going to work.  I was too far from the horde of kids who were sitting, as per my request, in every other seat in the front half of the center section.  After I asked who had enjoyed reading the story over the weekend and saw no raised hands, I didn’t take time to walk off the stage and down the side stairs.  I sat down on the edge of the stage and slid down to the auditorium’s floor.

“Ben Gilbert, are you hungry?”  I hadn’t yet found him but knew he should be present.  This was tenth grade English class.

 “I sure am Miss Sims.  Where’s my steak?”

“Hungry for experience and learning?  That’s the question.”  I felt like I was lining up to kickoff at a football game, but I wasn’t even on the team.

“Not really.  I’m kind of fine just sitting here and listening.”  Half the class let out a giggle.  It seemed no one was awake.

“Everybody keep your seat if you read the weekend assignment, A Good Man Is Hard to Find.  No one stood up.  “So, I’ll assume everyone did their homework.”

I looked over the entire class and didn’t say a word for maybe thirty seconds.  Ben Gilbert stood up and apologized, “I forgot to take my book home and couldn’t get back in school yesterday afternoon when I thought about it.”

“That’s nearly as good as ‘the dog ate my homework’ excuse.  I’m sorry you don’t have access to the Internet.  Most every story we will be reading is readily available.”

Ben sat down mumbling something under his breath.

“Clara Ellington, who is the character in the story that we are told the most about?”

“The grandmother.  She’s the character we’re told the most about.”

Thanks Clara.  You read the story.  Correct?”

“Yes.”

“May I ask you a question, it might be a little personal?” 

“I guess.”

“Would you have stood up if I had asked my question differently?  If I had asked, ‘everyone who read the story please stand up’?

“Probably not.  I would have been too embarrassed.”

“Class, I remember what it was like to be in high school.  The peer pressure is horrible.  But, does that mean we simply ignore it even though we recognize it is a real problem?”

Several people in the class voiced an opinion, mostly saying they wished it didn’t exist.  A few said it wasn’t a problem for them.  One was Eric Smothers.

“Eric, please come up here and join me.  Let’s have a little conversation.”  He didn’t hesitate.  He no doubt was cocky and a member of the football team, evidenced by his Boaz High football jersey.

When he stood beside me I asked, “are you saying that embarrassment isn’t ever an issue with you?”

“No way. What would I have to be embarrassed about?  What you see is what you get.  It’s pretty solid isn’t it?”  His ego and arrogance were on full display.

 “Eric, you are a lot like the grandmother in our story.  You always get what you want.  Don’t you?”  I said not knowing for sure what he would say.  I would hate to be a lawyer who should never put himself in this position.  He always should know what the witness is going to say.

“You are pretty bright, pretty too.  I’ve been taught that if you want something you have to go after it.”  Eric said looking at his buddies on the back row who were giving him a thumb up.

“Would you say you are somewhat of a manipulator?”

“Absolutely, if that’s what it takes.  I make things happen.”

“The protagonist in our story, the grandmother, made things happen too.  Do you want to venture a guess how that turned out for her?”

“Don’t have a clue.  I don’t like to read; I sure don’t like homework.  But, my guess is she got embarrassed.  That seems to fit what you’re talking about.”  Eric said standing straighter than before.

“She got herself killed.  Evil, as represented by the misfit, won out.”

The rest of the class was similarly unproductive.  At 8:15, I gave up and had the class take out their books to start reading the story.

The rest of the day was worse if that was possible.  I had never seen such a bunch of disinterested kids.  I didn’t know for sure, but it appeared that Clara Ellington was the only student that had even attempted to read A Good Man Is Hard to Find.

If things could not have been worse for the first day of the first full week on my new job, what happened before Cullie came to my room after the last bell was almost unbelievable.  Mr. Wilkins had appeared in the doorway of my small office.  Without a word, he had semi-smiled and walked to my desk, standing to my left.  Initially, I thought he was staring at the textbook laying in front of me, open to a short biography of Flannery O’Conner.  I will never forget the ere feeling I got when I looked up and caught him trying to look down my blouse.  Thank goodness, Cullie burst in before I could respond.

No One You Love Is Ever Dead: Hemingway on the Most Devastating of Losses and the Meaning of Life

Here’s the link to this article.

BY MARIA POPOVA

No One You Love Is Ever Dead: Hemingway on the Most Devastating of Losses and the Meaning of Life

Along the spectrum of losses, from the door keys to the love of one’s life, none is more unimaginable, more incomprehensible in its unnatural violation of being and time, than a parent’s loss of a child.

Ernest Hemingway (July 21, 1899–July 2, 1961) was in his twenties and living in France when he befriend Gerald and Sara Murphy. The couple eventually returned to America when one of their sons fell ill, but it was their other son, Baoth, who died after a savage struggle with meningitis.

Upon receiving the news, the thirty-five-year-old writer sent his friends an extraordinary letter, part consolation for and part consecration of a loss for which there is no salve, found in Shaun Usher’s moving compilation Letters of Note: Grief (public library).

Ernest Hemingway

On March 19, 1935, Hemingway writes:

Dear Sara and Dear Gerald:

You know there is nothing we can ever say or write… Yesterday I tried to write you and I couldn’t.

It is not as bad for Baoth because he had a fine time, always, and he has only done something now that we all must do. He has just gotten it over with…

About him having to die so young — Remember that he had a very fine time and having it a thousand times makes it no better. And he is spared from learning what sort of a place the world is.

It is your loss: more than it is his, so it is something that you can, legitimately, be brave about. But I can’t be brave about it and in all my heart I am sick for you both.

Absolutely truly and coldly in the head, though, I know that anyone who dies young after a happy childhood, and no one ever made a happier childhood than you made for your children, has won a great victory. We all have to look forward to death by defeat, our bodies gone, our world destroyed; but it is the same dying we must do, while he has gotten it all over with, his world all intact and the death only by accident.

Art by Charlotte Pardi from Cry, Heart, But Never Break by Glenn Ringtved — a soulful Danish illustrated meditation on love and loss

In a breathtaking sentiment evocative of Anaïs Nin’s admonition against the stupor of near-living, and of poet Meghan O’Rourke’s grief-honed conviction that “the people we most love do become a physical part of us, ingrained in our synapses, in the pathways where memories are created,” Hemingway adds:

Very few people ever really are alive and those that are never die; no matter if they are gone. No one you love is ever dead.

With this, echoing Auden’s insistence that “we must love one another or die,” he comes the closest he ever came to formulating the meaning of life. Like David Foster Wallace, who addressed the meaning of life with such exquisite lucidity shortly before he was slain by depression, Hemingway too would lose hold of that meaning in the throes of the agony that would take his life a quarter century later. Now, from the fortunate platform of the prime of life, he writes:

We must live it, now, a day at a time and be very careful not to hurt each other. It seems as though we were all on a boat together, a good boat still, that we have made but that we know will never reach port. There will be all kinds of weather, good and bad, and especially because we know now that there will be no landfall we must keep the boat up very well and be very good to each other. We are fortunate we have good people on the boat.

Complement with the young Dostoyevsky’s exultation about the meaning of life shortly after his death sentence was repealed, Emily Dickinson on love and loss, Thoreau on living through loss, and Nick Cave — who lived, twice, the unimaginable tragedy of the Murphys — on grief as a portal to aliveness, then revisit the fascinating neuroscience of your brain on grief and your heart on healing.

The God Illusion: Primitive: Care, Cruelty, Religion, & Reason in the Human Animal

Welcome to **The God Illusion**, a thought-provoking blog series that explores the arguments against the existence of God and the claims of Christianity. This category is born from my personal journey—nearly 60 years as a devout Southern Baptist—before embarking on a path of questioning and critical thinking that led me to abandon my faith. Through these posts, I aim to share articles, YouTube videos, book summaries, and other resources that critically examine the evidence for the Christian God and other supernatural beings.

Flash Fiction: The Fence

Welcome to the Flash Fiction blog category! Flash fiction stories are short, impactful narratives typically under 500 words that aim to convey powerful emotions or intriguing ideas in a brief space. Each post in this category features one of my own flash fiction stories, showcasing the art of concise storytelling. My goal is to inspire you to write your own flash fiction stories, exploring the limitless potential of this creative form. 

In the quiet suburban neighborhood of Maplewood, two neighbors, Mr. Johnson and Mr. Thompson, once shared a friendly rapport. Their houses stood side by side, separated only by a small strip of grass and a modest wooden fence. For years, they had exchanged pleasantries over the fence, sharing stories of their families and gardens.

But all it took was a minor disagreement to ignite a feud that would divide the neighborhood for years to come.

It started innocently enough—a discussion over whose responsibility it was to trim the branches of the old oak tree that straddled the property line. Mr. Johnson believed it fell to Mr. Thompson, while Mr. Thompson insisted it was a shared duty. What began as a civil conversation quickly devolved into a heated argument, with both men refusing to back down.

As weeks turned into months, the tension between the neighbors grew palpable. They exchanged icy glances over the fence, their once-friendly interactions replaced by stony silence. The rest of the neighborhood watched in dismay as the feud escalated, unsure of how to intervene.

But it wasn’t until the fateful day when Mr. Johnson decided to build a taller fence that things truly spiraled out of control. Determined to assert his authority, Mr. Johnson hired a crew to erect a towering wooden barrier that loomed over Mr. Thompson’s property.

The sight of the imposing fence sent shockwaves through the neighborhood, with whispers of outrage echoing down the street. Mr. Thompson was incensed by the blatant display of aggression, vowing to retaliate in kind.

And so began a bitter battle of one-upmanship, with each neighbor resorting to increasingly elaborate tactics to outdo the other. Mr. Johnson planted rows of thorny bushes along the fence line, while Mr. Thompson installed floodlights that illuminated Mr. Johnson’s bedroom window at all hours of the night.

The once-peaceful neighborhood was now a battleground, with the feud between Mr. Johnson and Mr. Thompson casting a dark shadow over the community. Friendships were strained, property values plummeted, and the sound of shouting matches became a common occurrence.

But amidst the chaos, a glimmer of hope emerged—a small group of neighbors who refused to let the feud tear their community apart. Led by Mrs. Anderson, an elderly widow with a penchant for diplomacy, they organized a neighborhood barbecue in an attempt to foster reconciliation.

As the smell of grilled burgers and laughter filled the air, neighbors who had once been sworn enemies found themselves sharing a meal and a conversation. Slowly but surely, old wounds began to heal, and the neighborhood began to rebuild the bonds that had been shattered by the feud.

And as Mr. Johnson and Mr. Thompson watched their neighbors come together in spite of their differences, they realized the futility of their feud. With a reluctant handshake over the fence, they agreed to put their differences aside and work towards rebuilding their relationship.

For in the end, they realized that the true strength of a community lies not in the height of its fences, but in the bonds of friendship and understanding that connect its residents. And as the sun set over Maplewood, casting a golden glow over the neighborhood once more, the sound of laughter echoed down the street—a testament to the power of forgiveness and reconciliation.

Novel Excerpts–The Boaz Schoolteacher, Chapter 6

The primary aim of the "Novel Excerpts" blog category is to showcase my creative writing, specifically from the novels I've written. Hopefully, these posts will provide a glimpse into my storytelling style, themes, and narrative skills. It's an opportunity to share my artistic expressions and the worlds I've created through my novels.
The Boaz Schoolteacher, written in 2018, is my fifth novel. I'll post a chapter a day over the next few weeks.

Book Blurb

In the summer of 2017, Katie Sims and her daughter Cullie, moved from New York City to Katie’s hometown of Boaz, Alabama for her to teach English and for Cullie to attend Boaz High School .  Fifteen years earlier, during the Christmas holidays, five men from prominent local families sexually assaulted Katie.  Nine months later, Katie’s only daughter was born.

Almost from the beginning of the new school year, as Katie and fellow-teacher Cindy Barker shared English, Literature, and Creative Writing duties for more than 300 students, they became lifelong friends.  

For weeks, Katie and Cindy endured the almost constant sexual harassment at the hands of the assistant principal.  In mid-October, after Cindy suffered an attack similar to Katie’s from fifteen years earlier, the two teachers designed a unique method to teach the six predators a lesson they would never forget.  Katie and Cindy dubbed their plan, Six Red Apples.

Read this mystery-thriller to experience the dilemma the two teachers created for themselves, and to learn the true meaning of real justice.  And, eternal friendship. 

Chapter 6

Sammie Teal was no doubt the glue that kept Nanny in her home.  Paid for by Raymond, at the insistence of Darla, Sammie had been a godsend.  Until five years ago she had lived in the apartment above the garage that Papa had renovated for Aunt Maude, his younger sister.  The world’s greatest aunt was nearly ten years younger than Papa and Nanny.  I think my granddad was clairvoyant or something.  After Aunt Maude’s husband died of brain cancer at age thirty, Papa offered her a deal.  It was really a joke.  At first.  Papa offered his childless sister a place to live if she would take care of him and Nanny when they got old.  He had turned a junkie, seldom visited, storage room above the garage into a darling apartment.  I have fond memories as a young teenager sitting with Maude reliving a life of love and adventure.  All virtual experiences.  She was probably the main reason I’m now a teacher.  She certainly instilled in me a love of reading.

It was less than a month before Nanny was diagnosed with Parkinson’s that Papa’s plans fell apart.  Aunt Maude was killed in a one-car accident a few days before Valentine’s Day.  On a snowy and icy late afternoon, she had gotten out to buy candy and a card for Papa and Nanny.  It was the second worse day of my life.  Looking back, I have evidence that out of tragic circumstances roses can grow.  At least one.

Sammie was the perfect replacement and if it hadn’t been for the generosity of Raymond Radford, Papa would never have been able to afford her.  She too had lost her husband to cancer.  A couple of weeks after we buried Aunt Maude, Sammie’s house had mysteriously burned to the ground.  She could have afforded to rebuild her large sprawling house on North Main Street but was easily persuaded by Darla, at Raymond’s behest, to move in Aunt Maude’s apartment and care for Papa and Nanny.  She was a retired nurse with the bedside manner of what all patients sought from a doctor: time and compassion.  All of Sammie’s children were grown and gone which made her decision easier.

Sammie lived outback upstairs until Papa died three years ago.  His death had nearly destroyed Nanny.  Her health took a nosedive.  I will always believe the effects of her mourning for Papa triggered her dementia.  Sammie now lived in a bedroom across the hall from Nanny.  She would retreat to her apartment when assured by me or Darla that we take care of Nanny.  Of course, that was rare, especially with Darla.  I’m thankful she was the conduit for the funds to pay Sammie, but it was difficult to observe how little affection existed between daughter and mother.  Other than my own tragedy’s ability to motivate me to love, cherish, and protect my Cullie, Darla’s near full-absence drove me to be present and engaged with the little girl who was quickly evolving into a young woman.

When Cullie and I returned late yesterday afternoon from the Gadsden Mall, we had found Sammie and Nanny sitting in the den watching reruns of The Walton’s.  Nanny was almost the real Nanny during these times.  Her and Papa had loved this 1980’s TV program about John and Olivia Walton, his parents, and a small army of children, struggling to survive on Walton’s Mountain, Virginia during America’s Great Depression.  I’m not a doctor but the Walton drug, as I called it, gave Nanny more benefit than most of the dozen or so pills she took throughout the day.  I think even Cullie noticed a real difference in the smile and relaxing hands of Nanny when she was absorbing an hour or two of the Walton drug.  Cullie would rarely sit and endure, her words, the ‘silly show about backwoods people,’ but last night, I think maybe for the first time, she realized that youth is so transitory and that she herself, if she was lucky, would someday be old like Nanny, and suffering from two horrible conditions.  I was torn between watching Nanny and watching Cullie watch Nanny.  Cullie was just now getting to know her great-grandmother.  Until less than two weeks ago, the two of them had never spent more than the equivalent of a few days together, with those being spread over fourteen years of one visit every couple of years when I made myself return to the little town I had sworn I would never make my home.

Before we had gone to bed, I had promised Cullie we would go to First Baptist Church of Christ in the morning.  I had to keep my promises to the most important person in my life.  Even if it nearly killed me.  My desire to be a good mother to Cullie was justification enough for us to waste a perfectly good opportunity to sleep in and relax, maybe even have one of Sammie’s breakfast feasts when other folks were eating turnip greens and cornbread at Grumpy’s Diner after church.  Sammie, once again, had someway known what to do.  At 7:45 she had knocked on my door and whispered, ‘breakfast at 8:00 if you are interested.’  I was.  Especially since I hadn’t eaten anything but a little oatmeal Debbie Cake since popcorn at The Glass Castle.

I had dropped Cullie off at youth group at 9:00 a.m. and driven to my classroom at the high school.  I was glad Principal Harrison’s philosophy encouraged teachers to invest ‘a healthy portion of your non-school hours in preparation.’  He was right.  The best schoolteachers are like the best attorneys.  To get the best results, they both have to prepare.  There is simply not enough time from 7:30 to 2:45 to properly prepare.  Principal Harrison wasn’t my main reason for coming to my classroom.  It was my fear of church, better put, my fear of Sunday School.  It was too dangerous.  I had loved it as a teenager growing up with Brother Randy Miller as youth pastor.  He had made the Bible come alive.  Mostly, he was human with his hoard of young people. There was no subject that was off the table.  He was genuine.  Unfortunately, he was too human.  He died in a tragic accident when the Lighthouse, an outreach ministry of the church, burned down the summer before my eleventh-grade year.  I hoped his grandson, Robert, would be different in that regard, and his care and teaching would be just what Cullie needed.  I could make myself sit beside Cindy during the preaching hour, but I was not ready for the stares and gossip of adult Sunday School.

Cindy met me at 10:55 just like we had agreed.  Outside on the front steps leading into the giant auditorium the church had built a few years ago.  Something in me longed to go inside the big but old and decaying building next door, the one that created all the memories that were now flashing before my eyes.  The first thing Cindy said was, “glad you came.  I was worried I would disappoint you.  Late night.  Steve was especially fishy when I got home.”  Only Cindy, the sweet, gentle, and shy around the world Cindy, could talk sexual without saying a word that Cullie would find lurid.

We sat in the balcony with the fishy Steve and their two younger children: Arlon and Anita.  Alysa was no doubt downstairs with Cullie and about a hundred-other youth ranging from middle school age all the way to college.  Triple A’s; Cindy was no doubt an English teacher.  Before the sermon began, she whispered a question: “had I looked at what the girls bought at Belk’s?”  I just shook my head in the negative but promised myself I would do that first thing upon our return home.

The song service touched my heart.  I hadn’t been to church but a few times since I had left Boaz late summer of 1991, right after graduating in May from Boaz High School.  I recalled how I loved the old gospel hymns.  I was glad my hometown church hadn’t gone the way of the world and forsaken tradition and instead adopted contemporary Christian.  Of course, Sunday morning worship hour was designed to keep the adults, many of them approaching Nanny’s age, satisfied.  The youth group, according to Alysa, was another story.  If Brother Robert thought loud and fast-beat songs of the savior would keep my Cullie safe and sound here instead of hanging with the wrong crowd, I had no opposition at all.

Brother Warren’s sermon would have given me inspiration if any other preacher in the world had said the very same words.  Knowing a dark secret or two about the man who is a master at sharing the Good News was worse than throwing a dripping wet quilt on a small but flaming fire.  It was my first time to hear Pastor Warren as Cindy called him.  My memories were clear of his father and grandfather’s sermons.  Wade and Walter Tillman were every much the masters of storytelling and persuasion as was Warren.  Unlike Brother Randy, Warren inherited the criminal gene from his ancestors.  I know Warren, at least in 2002, had a dark side, one so dark that he could, along with his four buddies, kidnap and rape a 29-year-old woman.  That woman was me.  There was nothing I hated more than a hypocrite.  Regardless of my lack of inspiration, I would take Pastor Warren’s words to heart.  His message from John 15:7 sparked a desire deep inside me to attempt to restore my prayer life.  I wanted to see if what he said was true.  I had once believed it.  It was time I gave it another try.

Pastor Warren was not the only one delivering messages today.  At the end of the service, I followed Cindy and Steve, and two of the Triple A’s, through the line to shake the preacher’s hand.  His fake smile and smarmy greeting were my final encouragement.  I palmed the tall and handsome orator my two-word unfolded sticky note: ‘I know.’  Reluctantly, I kept walking, redirecting my eyes through the open doorway without pausing to delight myself by a facial response to what I hoped was a top-three shock of his life.

Novel Excerpts–The Boaz Schoolteacher, Chapter 5

The primary aim of the "Novel Excerpts" blog category is to showcase my creative writing, specifically from the novels I've written. Hopefully, these posts will provide a glimpse into my storytelling style, themes, and narrative skills. It's an opportunity to share my artistic expressions and the worlds I've created through my novels.
The Boaz Schoolteacher, written in 2018, is my fifth novel. I'll post a chapter a day over the next few weeks.

Book Blurb

In the summer of 2017, Katie Sims and her daughter Cullie, moved from New York City to Katie’s hometown of Boaz, Alabama for her to teach English and for Cullie to attend Boaz High School .  Fifteen years earlier, during the Christmas holidays, five men from prominent local families sexually assaulted Katie.  Nine months later, Katie’s only daughter was born.

Almost from the beginning of the new school year, as Katie and fellow-teacher Cindy Barker shared English, Literature, and Creative Writing duties for more than 300 students, they became lifelong friends.  

For weeks, Katie and Cindy endured the almost constant sexual harassment at the hands of the assistant principal.  In mid-October, after Cindy suffered an attack similar to Katie’s from fifteen years earlier, the two teachers designed a unique method to teach the six predators a lesson they would never forget.  Katie and Cindy dubbed their plan, Six Red Apples.

Read this mystery-thriller to experience the dilemma the two teachers created for themselves, and to learn the true meaning of real justice.  And, eternal friendship. 

Chapter 5

“Rex and Rose Mary were the most appalling human beings I’ve ever seen. The poor kids.  I think they should have been taken away from their deplorable parents and placed in foster care.”  Cindy said as we exited the Cinema 16 in the Gadsden Mall.

“They were a dysfunctional family no doubt, but I was inspired how the brilliant and charismatic Rex captured the imaginations of his four children.  He taught them physics, geology, and how to fearlessly embrace life.”  I said, a little surprised by Cindy’s narrow interpretation of The Glass Castle.

“What good does the imagination do when the four darlings are cold, hungry, totally unkempt?”  Cindy added as we walked to the Food Court in the middle of the mall.  Cullie and Alysa, Cindy’s daughter, should be waiting at a table close to Chick-fil-A.  “I’m not condoning the father’s dishonesty and destructiveness while he was drunk, but he and his wife were free-spirits and non-conformists. Maybe that was the little gold nugget buried under Rose Mary’s abhorrence of domesticity and the more traditional role as a mother raising a family.”  As we turned the corner towards the Food Court, I was relieved to see our two girls waiting.

“To me, real nonconformist’s parents are folks that reject the allure and temptations of the world and instead immerse their children in the church to teach them fixed, universal and unchanging principles.”  Cindy said, stopping to look at a black and gold skirt and jacket displayed in the window of the Dress Barn.  “I guess that was my way of inviting you and Cullie to church tomorrow.”

“Come on Miss Perfect, the girls are probably starving.  And, that outfit could be your first step towards Hell.”  I said thankfully that Cindy and I had so easily connected through our work and now we are developing a friendship.  I was surprised, almost shocked.  I literally sucked at making friends.

“Did you find the jeans you were looking for?”  Cindy asked Alysa.  I was also thankful that Cullie and Alysa were attempting to connect.  I guess the two afternoons this week that Cindy and I had made them sit in the back of my room as we compared notes on how we intended to teach Macbeth, starting in a couple of weeks, had given the two ninth-graders just enough of a spark to launch a friendship.  It made me envy their age and ignorance.  They were too young to have acquired a lot of the baggage me and most every adult started acquiring as the school years became history and the grind of work and family took over.

“We did.  And, we also bought matching blouses.  Except for the color.”  I overheard Alysa tell her mom.

“That’s confusing.  If they aren’t the same color, how do they match?”  Cindy, always the analyzer.

“The cut, the style.”

“Anyone hungry?”  I had eaten popcorn in the theater but knew Cullie was probably starving.  She was smart enough to not spend the money I had given her on food, instead using it all for clothes.

“I could eat a horse.”  Alysa said, focused on her cell phone.  She had been reading and texting since she had first come into my line of vision.

“Here’s twenty bucks, go buy us some sandwiches.”  Cindy said, handing the money to Alysa.

“No, I’ll pay for Cullie’s.  I don’t think I want anything.”  I said.

“You paid for the movie.  I’ve got this.”

After the girls wolfed down grilled chicken sandwiches, waffle potato fries, and fruit cups they convinced Cindy and me to let them return to the sale at Belk’s.  I was glad Cindy instructed Alysa to remember she is not allowed inside Victoria’s Secret.

“Let’s move away from this crowd.  I told Cullie where we would be.”  We picked up the girls’ shopping bags and walked to the center of the Food Court where there were ten or more unoccupied tables and only an older couple within thirty feet of where we settled.

“What’s Steve up to today?  I was surprised he let you and Alysa come with us.”  I said, still trying to understand how normal people live.

“He and his brother were going fishing.  I just love fishing.  Not for me but for him.  It’s the only time I get any breathing room on the weekends.”

“I figured you two were still as inseparable as you probably were in high school.”

“You can’t remember that.  I didn’t go to Boaz.”  Cindy said, exploring Alysa’s shopping bags.

“Sorry, I guess I’m confusing you with Charlene Bonds.”

“Oh.  Well, you know absence makes the heart grow fonder.  I told you I loved fishing.  It seems our sex life took on a whole new dimension after he and Sean bought that silly bass boat.”  Cindy said with a sly little grin.

“Okay, I don’t need any details.”

“All I’ll say is there’s something tantalizing about watching your man fillet fish.  And, that doesn’t even address what the fishy smell does to my hormones.”  I was seeing a side of traditional mom Cindy that I hadn’t expected.

“Enough, enough.  I am seeing Steve, and you in that black and gold outfit, and smelling the fish. Let’s talk about Literature.”  I had to change the subject.  I could not admit I wanted to know more.  Cindy had no idea how lucky she was to have Steve, a hard-working, honest, and faithful husband.  I almost had the beginnings of that little sensation that I used to get when Colton would take me in his arms and push me against the wall of my apartment when he would visit us in New York City.  That was four years ago, and three years since I had heard from him.  I couldn’t imagine Steve just up and leaving one day like Colton had.

“Earth to Katie.  Come on down.”  Cindy said snapping her fingers in my face.

“Sorry, I guess I got caught up in your little fish story.”

“I meant to ask you earlier, how’s Darla?  I saw her at Walmart last night but didn’t get a chance to say hello.”

“She’s holding her own.  I think.”

“It’s just horrible what she must be going through.  The rumors just keep getting worse and worse.” Cindy said, pulling out a chair to prop her feet.

“What’s the latest you’ve heard?”  I wanted to know what others were saying.  My question surprised me since I normally avoid scuttlebutt conversations.

“That Raymond and Walter and you know, all the fathers of the Flaming Five, have been involved in some type of sex trafficking.  This is, in addition to the possible murders of Harold Maples and that kid back forty something years ago.” 

“It still blows my mind that Darla got involved with Raymond Radford. What is it that women see in older men?” I asked.

“Duh, it’s the back side of their pants and not the front side.” Again, Cindy surprised me.  Until today, I had gathered at work that she was a little miss perfect, with thoughts and actions that Pastor Warren would use in a sermon illustration. 

“I take it you are referring to Raymond’s wallet?”

“Absolutely.  In that regard, he was a catch.  He’s probably the richest man in Boaz, or at least one of the richest.” 

“Let’s change the subject.  I try not to think of Darla’s infatuation with the handsome Raymond.”

“This may be a little too personal, but can I ask why your grandmother adopted you.  Seems to me you would have been better off to live with your father and your mother?” Cindy said, clearly confused, completely ignorant of the facts.

“Raymond is not my father.  In fact, I don’t know who my father is.”

“Okay.  I just figured that Raymond got your mom pregnant and they decided to get married. This is what my mother told me. Of course, that was back nearly a half-century ago.”

“Don’t remind me of how old I’m getting.”  For years now, I had put aside the question about my father. It had come as a shock when I was twelve, maybe thirteen, when Darla had told me the truth.  I had never told anyone the details.  I had, like today, always simply left it at, ‘I don’t know who my father is.’  That seemed to divert attention back on my mother, rightly so I guess, that she must have slept around and never sought a paternity test.  The truth is, she did sleep around.  For sure, she slept with five guys, probably more than once each, during her high school graduation party.

“Let’s leave it at that for now.  Okay?”  Something told me that at some point I might become comfortable, and confident enough, to share the full story with Cindy.  But today was not the day.

“I guess you know those two.”  Cindy said leaning her head toward the counter at Starbucks.”

“Who are you talking about?”  I asked, playing completely dumb, looking towards the American Cheesefactory instead.

“Pastor Warren and Fulton Billingsley.”

“Oh, them.  I know of them but have never met either one of them.”

“Come to First Baptist Church of Christ tomorrow and you can hear the best preacher for miles around.  Then Monday, you can go to First State Bank of Boaz and meet the smooth and sophisticated Fulton Billingsley, the best-dressed man in town.”  Cindy said, no doubt the fountain of local information.

“To your total dismay, Cullie and I are planning on being at church tomorrow.  She has asked me.  Apparently, your faithful little daughter has already invited my little heathen to attend a youth group.  As to Fulton, I have already been to his bank.  Twice actually.  Opened two accounts.  One for me and one for Cullie.”

“Boaz is fortunate to have those two and their three best friends. They keep the community’s wheels turning.”  Cindy said standing up and motioning the girls our way.  They had stopped, arms full, and were talking with a group of guys standing in line at Chick-fil-A.

“What three best friends?”  I already knew who Cindy was referring to but wanted to act a little naive.

“Ryan Radford, Justin Adams, and Danny Ericson.  It seems these five, all sons of the Flaming Five, your mothers’ classmates, are doing a good job following their fathers.  Except for the criminal activity I guess.”  Cindy said bursting out laughing.  I had noticed she is her number one fan when trying to be funny.

“You might be surprised.  Everyone has secrets.  No one is what they appear to be.”

“Let’s go get the girls.  They will talk until midnight with those cute guys.  Oh, you’re right.  Literature has taught me that.  Please know I’m always open to hearing your secrets.”  Cindy said picking up the shopping bags and walking away.

Overall, it was a good day.  I enjoyed anon-teaching day with Cindy.  After we dropped the two of them off at their house, all Cullie wanted to talk about was how cool Alysa is.  “She’s boy crazy but in a healthy sort of way.”

I decided not to respond to that observation by my fourteen-year-old daughter.  I would lose either way.  I did not want to hear how serious she was about boys in general, and I certainly did not want to know the unhealthy type of crazy that some girls her age were experiencing.